reflection

I am thinking a lot today how we ebb and flow, changes...some good and some bad.  The differences as we age, oh my gosh...I saw an ad yesterday and found myself in the 50-75 group.  What???  It was for life insurance I think.  Hello, wake up call.

I have talked about anxiety, depression, and how I have felt off and on.  I am in a pretty good place now, with that said...I have more to do.  When I went to my counselor last, she told me to think of where I want to go next...that was my homework, I haven't done it yet.  lol... What sent me to her, has worked itself out, I have done the work to get back on track...I am grateful for the experience now, seeing it has helped me feel "right" again.

I also, find myself finding "the old Kathy" these days.  I was lost for a good while, and didn't even realize it.  I find her coming back, in my reflection now.  [When I was kind to myself and I felt good...I wasn't hiding or masking my feelings.]  Yes, this is related to how I look, I am beginning to see the slimmer me, the old me.  My face is recognizable to myself again in little whispers, I have a ways to go yet.  I see a slimmer face, bigger eyes, leaner, less muffin top...but older.  That's ok...I know I will no longer be THAT girl...I don't want to be. What I want to be is healthy, and to be good to myself.  Thinking enough about myself to eat right, have healthier habits, and go to the gym.  That is for my physical body, practicing Yoga is for my spirit.  I find myself getting to yoga 3-4 times a week, and I almost crave it.  It is good for my soul...I am a work in progress, but moving forward is a good place to be, I am no longer stuck...

Next step is to find something to fill my spare time.  I do want to find a part time job, but I hope this time to be more selective... find something I like.  Until then, this week I plan to investigate volunteer work, of some sort.  I would love to go to the humane society, but the attachment worries me.  We will see.  Onward...

If your still reading, thank you.  I am not a writer, by NO means...I just felt like sharing...not sure why?

being brave, cont.

During this little transition I am experiencing...I thought a lot about old baggage...some I have carried for years.  Body Image, eeekkk.  While I have embraced this new habit of going to the gym, and enjoying it? really??  yes, really... I am paying more attention to what I am eating and drinking...so those things are falling into place.  But the old negative self talk and chatter...is very much present.  And as I get older, maybe even more so.  When I saw the new Brave Girls online course, Body Restoration...my interest was peeked.

 I jumped in right before week 2, but I have a wonderful weekend of pushing my stress and anxiety aside and and catching up with the videos and art...ok, so I haven't caught up with the journaling...but I know this can be done later.  It is always fun to start a new project.  This one uses a sketch book as the "body book" and the process to get the book prepped was a feat in itself...lots of cutting of pages, gluing of pages, oy!  But it was just what I need to busy myself.  As in Soul Restoration, I know I will be referring back to this book, when I find the need to remember and remind myself, of some truths.

I am feeling much better now, the side effects of the Cymbablta are much less.  None yesterday until last night, and I am so happy the effects are leveling off.  I am sleeping better at night, almost normal I would say.  I really just gave myself time to adjust to this "bump".  I rested when I needed to, as soon as my toe was ready, I worked out when I could...and just got quiet. All good... wishing you a wonderful day!

darkest before the dawn...

Isn't that what they say?  Well I do believe I agree.
But I am now starting to see a shift.  Well, lets say yesterday was a good day, and I slept more last night than I have in a week.  So I am hopeful, and expecting...this is a shift. What a ride this has been this last week... This about sums up what I have been doing.

Google image

I wont get into all of the details of the side effects and the anxiety... but I think I finally have figured out that the side effects happen, they just do.  And the anxiety rise, may not have been from the drug, when I think back I was getting more anxious prior to taking it.  I am just in one of those patterns now...I think I understand it now.  So I had many days of "doing nothing", I had no ambition to chat with friends, even check Facebook (sigh) watch a art course video...nothing.  I just was...and I was tense and a bit in shock I think, that I was having these symptoms of a drug I know well.
So for now, I will try to be more understanding of myself, and I see my Dr. Wednesday...to make sure all is well and that he still believes this to be the right fit for me.  My toe has healed enough for me to return to the gym, and that helps so much...to relieve some stress!  So that is a plus... ONWARD...

doctors...and pharmacy's

Between last Friday and today, I think I have waited for a call from my Dr's office everyday, except Sat and Sunday.  Wow...I finally got the call I was waiting for and told my prescription was called in, so of course when I went today to pick it up...nope...not there.  The wait continues.
I have decided to go back on Cymbalta.  I do so after thinking about it for a couple weeks, and listening to my "self".  I am proud of the fact that I tried to go off of it, and did go off of it.  But I always told myself, if I felt as if I needed to, I would go back to it.  I am doing so, with no regrets... I know I can do it again, if I feel I can. 
I expect it will take some weeks to get back into my system, and I am sure some of the side effects I didn't like, will return...but so will some of the sadness and anxiety fade, and one day I will say to myself, "I feel better"...  I am looking forward to good results, counseling and now the medication... onward...

ACCOUNTABILITY DAY 1

ACCOUNTABILITY DAY 1

 Well, I did it, walked into a meeting at Weight Watchers this morning, with my friend Lori.  Accountable, to ourselves and each other... the journey begins.

Am I worried I won't do it?  Heck no...I know I will.  I have done it before and will again.  IF, it was the anti-depressant drugs, that is no longer a worry.  I will not fully blame the drugs, I have gotten lazy about my eating, and exercise...ebb and flow....all good, no regrets...but ready to work my ass off, literally!
There are a lot of changes in the WW program, new things to learn and fruits are free!!!!! yay....
I will add that this is the highest my weight has been since my weight loss over 20 years ago..I was stunned to see the number, but it was reality! Stay tuned...more to come.

And by the way, I am feeling so much better with the withdrawal from Cymbalta.  it was a bit of a struggle, wasn't expecting that.  But I am sticking with my belief that this is the time for me to try and be free from the drug....and I am so hoping that I will not have to return to them.  I have been feeling lots of emotion in the recent days, in a good way.  The dull, flat feelings are leaving...and real emotion is once again showing in my soul!  It feels right....I feel JOY!

ACCOUNTABLE TO ME....

I had a sort of epiphany today while on my walk.  I have not been ACCOUNTABLE to me...myself...the only person I should really be accountable to.  I guess I have known this for a long time...but today it hit home.  So I came home and thought a bit about it, and decided to try to really be accountable, to myself.

PART 1/WEIGHT
Oh my goodness, I have been singing this song for (3) years.  But I am re focused now since I have almost completely weaned off the Cymbalta. I have been walking since Steve's re-hab began, my eating has been pretty good! But I am taking another stab at Weight Watchers and the points system...I know this works, I have done this for years...I could teach it to others....but I have not been accountable.  I will let you know my progress....

UPDATE ON ROCKY AND ME

Well the days are just passing by....Rocky is still on strict crate rest, he is doing well I think.  I only let him out to potty and eat.  The other day he seemed so good, I let him walk around a bit longer, and he was paying for it by that evening.  I blamed myself and fretted big time....lol.  So back to crate and quick little breaks.  At first he wasn't drinking water, now seems he is having problems with constipation :(  So I am giving him pumpkin, and tomorrow will try a bit of mineral oil.  It might be the back/leg weakness doing it.  It is all...minute by minute....sometimes that is all I can think of....

As for me, I have four 20 mg Cymbalta capsules left, I will take one every other day, and that is the end...I feel no different really.  This has taken four weeks to get to this point.  I am very emotional now, with Rocky and some family issues...I would anxious be on med's too.  But the medication does dull emotion, anxiety but also happiness.  Good with the bad... So this crying is new to me, but it feels good to FEEL again.  I hope to be able to get by with no medication...again, minute by minute.  All in Gods hands, I try to live my life in a different way now, instead of reaching for food, shopping...bitching and complaining...I STOP, and try to "get out of my head".

So, that is about it for now.  I need to change my way of thinking and reacting.  I can't tell you how many times a day, I think of this simple prayer...and recite it!

ONE STEP AT A TIME

As some of you may remember in a past entry, I decided to talk to my Dr and ask about getting off of my antidepressant drug, Cymbalta.  I have been take 60 mg for years now, how many he asked, gosh I didn't remember.  Over 3, I try to relate it to hurricane Katrina....my way of telling a time frame... lol.  So it could be close to 5 years.  This has been my 4th drug to take not for depression, but for anxiety.  I have learned many tools to lesson my anxiety and I have grown leaps and bounds.  Will it be enough?  I do not know...but I am trying.
Actually my Dr. was very proactive in my trying this.  It will take 5 weeks to wean myself off the drug.  I am in week 3.  I feel no different right now, and I hope to be able to say that a year from now too.  But as with all of the valuable lessons I have learned, one step at a time....

FEAR OF THE SCALE...

Oh boy, do I hate scales. I am addicted to jumping on the scale and it isn’t pretty.

I am in my 11th week of Weight Watchers now, and I have lost 11 pounds. eekkkkk... Gone are the days when I would weigh in and see 2 pounds, 3 pounds, 1.5 pounds. I might lose 2 one week, then gain .8...very un-nerving. BUT, low and behold I am 48 years old and I am hormonal...lol I take an anti-depressant for anxiety and I am not as active as I should be. Woe is me.

I had a good talk with my leader; she looked at my food journal and said, "Where are the fruits and vegetables?" I am hit or miss with them; fruit is easier for me but hidden in a smoothie most times. So last week I did eat more, and my loss was .2. Big whoop! Then we talked about diet drinks, guilty as charged. Splenda is my friend and I use it way to much. This week I challenge myself to cold turkey the Splenda and I started to use Agave Nectar. Not bad... So this week we shall see what happens. It took 3 years to gain these 25 pounds, and I guess I should realize it will take a good while to come off at this age. But it still sucks. I see the loss in inches, in my clothes...but darn if I can accept the scale not showing it. I think I will take it in the back yard and bury it. Ok, rant over....