reflection

I am thinking a lot today how we ebb and flow, changes...some good and some bad.  The differences as we age, oh my gosh...I saw an ad yesterday and found myself in the 50-75 group.  What???  It was for life insurance I think.  Hello, wake up call.

I have talked about anxiety, depression, and how I have felt off and on.  I am in a pretty good place now, with that said...I have more to do.  When I went to my counselor last, she told me to think of where I want to go next...that was my homework, I haven't done it yet.  lol... What sent me to her, has worked itself out, I have done the work to get back on track...I am grateful for the experience now, seeing it has helped me feel "right" again.

I also, find myself finding "the old Kathy" these days.  I was lost for a good while, and didn't even realize it.  I find her coming back, in my reflection now.  [When I was kind to myself and I felt good...I wasn't hiding or masking my feelings.]  Yes, this is related to how I look, I am beginning to see the slimmer me, the old me.  My face is recognizable to myself again in little whispers, I have a ways to go yet.  I see a slimmer face, bigger eyes, leaner, less muffin top...but older.  That's ok...I know I will no longer be THAT girl...I don't want to be. What I want to be is healthy, and to be good to myself.  Thinking enough about myself to eat right, have healthier habits, and go to the gym.  That is for my physical body, practicing Yoga is for my spirit.  I find myself getting to yoga 3-4 times a week, and I almost crave it.  It is good for my soul...I am a work in progress, but moving forward is a good place to be, I am no longer stuck...

Next step is to find something to fill my spare time.  I do want to find a part time job, but I hope this time to be more selective... find something I like.  Until then, this week I plan to investigate volunteer work, of some sort.  I would love to go to the humane society, but the attachment worries me.  We will see.  Onward...

If your still reading, thank you.  I am not a writer, by NO means...I just felt like sharing...not sure why?

the way I see it...

I write this today, and I am so happy to say...I am in a good place.  I thought about this post last night before I fell off to sleep, I was remembering what I was grateful for...

I have felt so disconnected, some of you know...my life has been a bit of a coaster in the past year or so, with ups and downs and some parts of it very scary.  But thank the Lord, everyone is healthy now and recovering. I took the huge step forward to take care of myself, to go back on my medication and to seek a counselor to help me find my way once more.  I knew the feeling of depression hitting me, and I also knew how hard I have worked in the past couple years...to be the best I can be.  (and bust my butt, if need be to do it.)

Suddenly I saw myself as a jigsaw puzzle.  And I saw the pieces fitting together.

 I know the labels on these puzzle pieces that I have been able to put in place.  I also know the labels on the "missing" pieces that have not found their place.  I will keep those to myself for now...but I am happy I saw this in my mind last night, to show me how far I have come.  I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, and she was thrilled to see me and shared her feelings of how she see's me now.  I have a ways to go, I am refining what I want to work on and that is my homework for the next visit.  I feel I have found CLARITY, in what sent me to her...and now I will just fine tune...until more pieces fall into place.  WOW, when I chose "clarity" for my word of 2012, I had no idea...how much of an impact that word would have on me...and it is only March......

If and when these road blocks pop up, I know I can go back to my word...and remember where I am am now.  I am not where I want to be, but I not where I was either....
Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts...Sometimes I keep these things to myself, and sometimes I feel like I should be sharing them.  Today I feel like I am meant to share, xo.

doctors...and pharmacy's

Between last Friday and today, I think I have waited for a call from my Dr's office everyday, except Sat and Sunday.  Wow...I finally got the call I was waiting for and told my prescription was called in, so of course when I went today to pick it up...nope...not there.  The wait continues.
I have decided to go back on Cymbalta.  I do so after thinking about it for a couple weeks, and listening to my "self".  I am proud of the fact that I tried to go off of it, and did go off of it.  But I always told myself, if I felt as if I needed to, I would go back to it.  I am doing so, with no regrets... I know I can do it again, if I feel I can. 
I expect it will take some weeks to get back into my system, and I am sure some of the side effects I didn't like, will return...but so will some of the sadness and anxiety fade, and one day I will say to myself, "I feel better"...  I am looking forward to good results, counseling and now the medication... onward...

...zzzzzz.....

hahaaha, just to make you laugh...

How do you sleep?
I haven't thought much about this, because I have been in the habit of taking 1/2 of a 2mg Xanax, before bed.  Sleep fine...
I haven't decided yet how much I am going to "share" about my new journey...but I will say I have started counseling.  I had a bad experience with a new counselor in December, I knew I wasn't going back to him.  It is a long sad story, the mental healthcare in Louisiana after Katrina is horrible...lets just say there are not many options for our provider.  I had lost hope after seeing him, and decided I was on my own.  Then I "remembered" a visit with my GYN years ago, and she told me she had a counselor working in her office...(God whisper) I got in touch with her, she was in fact in my network and I met with her yesterday, seems a good fit.  I am so hopeful...we didn't get to far really in this get to know you session, but she was concerned about the sleep and taking Xanax.  Soooo, last night I didn't take it and guess what, didn't sleep much.  I am sure it will be a process, of weaning off and finding a new way to get into a good sleep cycle.  But it did get me thinking.

As many of you know, we have had a lot happening within our family in the last year, and losing my dog, Rocky in October sent me sliding into a depression.  I knew something was different, I knew I had to do something... and thankfully I listened and did.  I am used to anxiety, but this little dose of depression...I was not ready for.  And I had gone off all medication in Jan. 2011... see, I hit a wall!  And this is when I started the Xanax every night, not just when I couldn't sleep.

BUT, I am more than hopeful that this will be a good thing for me.  I am working on my health inside and out...I have found a love for the gym (did I say that?)...yoga, oh how I have missed you...and I am so happy I took this step.  [Cause it was a big one for me...] but step, by step, I go and I know what I desire, in my heart...and I know what I will do!

I am so thankful for the support system I have, a few special people I can share my heart with and know I am safe with them knowing my thoughts and frets, and nonsense sometimes.  They know who they are and they know I love them... And I do think I will share this journey on my blog too.  I have learned so much, by reading blogs and found many friends.  We all have so much in common, really.  I didn't expect to say this much in this post, but I did...we shall see... have a wonderful Saturday!  YOU deserve it.

second chances

In this time of Thanksgiving...
I am thankful for: second chances...

"Develop a positive attitude and awareness.  Expect the best and look for the good.  Become conscious of opportunities and very often you will find them right under your nose.  Second chances can be quiet and disguised -- one has to be on the lookout for them."
 Let Go + Positive Attitude + Perseverance = Second Chances

I find myself still very much in transition, or something!  I have tried to be quiet and take a break, but find myself  going back to the things I feel I thought I needed a break from.  So maybe after all, I do not need the break.
I worry so much about my parents and their recovery at home...they are moving forward but still much stress for them both.  I feel unconnected, out of the loop but in my heart I know a visit right now is not a good thing.  Soon, I hope...
I miss my Rocky, so much.  It is close to a month now, that he has been gone and some days it feels like yesterday.  I still look for him and I know my other two dogs do as well, I just miss his silly face...
I worried I was headed towards Depression...I went to see my Dr.  We talked and discussed the fact that life has been hard the past year, I had done well without any anxiety medication, January will be a year I am without it.  He didn't think now was the time to go back on a medication, maybe counseling would be a better fit.  I agreed.  I can not see anyone until Dec. 9th, eeekkkk.  So I look forward to this new path, I want to be happy...I want to quit worrying...I can not let negative people bring me down further...Yes, I have a lot of "wants"...
On a very positive note, I have kept up a good routine of going to the gym.  I am up to 60 minutes of cardio and I am working up to the weight machine routines.  I feel so much better when I go to the gym, and have even entertained the idea of going twice a day...(I live very close)
AND I tuned 50, there I said it!!!!
So here is to second chances... xo