measurements, check

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whew..
So, I think I have been saying for a month or so now, that I would indeed take my measurements.  I could see the difference in my clothes and in the mirror, but those pounds are hanging on for dear life.  Damn them...
I think I had to get to a place of comfort, in knowing this is in fact working and my hard work and commitment to the gym is paying off.  So much of the credit I do feel, goes to yoga.  The part that makes me "see" the changes.  Yoga is hard work...sure some of the benefits are the resting poses and de-stressing...and finding your spiritual side....but those strength poses...are hard core.  And when you can go to the next level in them, you find you are sweating up a storm.  So going into this commitment, I might have gasped at the numbers.  I WOULD have...but now, I do wish I measured first.  I would be smiling at these numbers from today.  Knowing I am getting there, made me say today...go and do it!!!
It is a bit daunting to get that tape measure out and do it...but I finally did.  I have my numbers recorded and next month I will do it again.  I did step on the scale again, and lost 2 pounds since the last time...but that was weeks ago.  So for now, I will look at the numbers next month and go from there.  It took a few years to collect these pounds I now carry, so I will not expect them to come off quickly.  As long as they are coming off.  Doing my best each day, with no expectations... that's all!

being brave, cont.

During this little transition I am experiencing...I thought a lot about old baggage...some I have carried for years.  Body Image, eeekkk.  While I have embraced this new habit of going to the gym, and enjoying it? really??  yes, really... I am paying more attention to what I am eating and drinking...so those things are falling into place.  But the old negative self talk and chatter...is very much present.  And as I get older, maybe even more so.  When I saw the new Brave Girls online course, Body Restoration...my interest was peeked.

 I jumped in right before week 2, but I have a wonderful weekend of pushing my stress and anxiety aside and and catching up with the videos and art...ok, so I haven't caught up with the journaling...but I know this can be done later.  It is always fun to start a new project.  This one uses a sketch book as the "body book" and the process to get the book prepped was a feat in itself...lots of cutting of pages, gluing of pages, oy!  But it was just what I need to busy myself.  As in Soul Restoration, I know I will be referring back to this book, when I find the need to remember and remind myself, of some truths.

I am feeling much better now, the side effects of the Cymbablta are much less.  None yesterday until last night, and I am so happy the effects are leveling off.  I am sleeping better at night, almost normal I would say.  I really just gave myself time to adjust to this "bump".  I rested when I needed to, as soon as my toe was ready, I worked out when I could...and just got quiet. All good... wishing you a wonderful day!

hurry up and wait...

Remember when I told you I was not going to get on the scale?  Well I did, and I am crushed...I knew I would be...Of course I pick the days before my period to do so, [when IS that coming anyways, hmmm.]  Maybe Peri-menopause is slowly creeping to the real deal?  Anywho, I am still in the dreaded 160's... Sure I see changes in my body, and I know, I know, muscle weighs more that fat, whatever...  So, once more I am swearing off the scale, and I am going to take time today, to measure, yes measure.  Because maybe then I won't feel so bad.
But I know what I am doing right, now lets think of what I am doing wrong, the number one thing that came to mind....WATER...

So, on my desk now, my water.  You will also notice my pig timer, for Facebook...15 min 2 times a day, that worked for 1 day...and my fan (hot flashs) my rocks (Rock Fairy) for when I need a reminder, from Sherry.  A truth card (Brave Girl's) also from her...you see I need her inspiration a lot...xo
Ok, so I learned somethings today...  All in good time?!

Which leads me to this.  You may also remember my orchid,  I have never had one bloom the following year, so I have been on watch, to see the beautiful flower unfold.  NOTHING!!!!!  Every day when I pass it, I expect to see it... yep, all in good time....
 I think I see a pattern here.
I was overwhelmed by notes sent to me and replies to yesterdays post.  If I had any doubts about opening up...they are gone now.  Thank you...

OVER THE 5 POUND MARK

Lordy.....
hello, finally I have passed that first milestone....good grief.  But this is 5 pounds that will not be back....I will tell you that.

I am in my 5th week of the new Weight Watcher's, and I have finally hit 5 pounds.  I can not say that I am not impatient and wanting these pounds to melt off quicker....because I am!  I finally got it thru my head at this last meeting, that I am NOT going to lose like I used too....I honestly think my body likes this weight, probably feels good and squishy on the inside.....lol.  But it has to go. 
My leader reviewed my journal and said I was not eating enough...go figure.  I am eating all of my points, but the choices are not the best, need more protein!  And I am not eating the 49 reserved points.  So this week, a new week....I will eat more protein and drink more water and use those points.  Also need to bump up the heart rate.  I am walking and at a good pace, but apparently my body is now used to it.  And I will incorporate weights...So hopefully the next 5 will come quicker....
But still no need for anti-depressants and I am thrilled for that.  I am embracing the emotions I feel again....and the pople I love are forced to as well, because it doesn't take much to cry...

ACCOUNTABILITY DAY 1

ACCOUNTABILITY DAY 1

 Well, I did it, walked into a meeting at Weight Watchers this morning, with my friend Lori.  Accountable, to ourselves and each other... the journey begins.

Am I worried I won't do it?  Heck no...I know I will.  I have done it before and will again.  IF, it was the anti-depressant drugs, that is no longer a worry.  I will not fully blame the drugs, I have gotten lazy about my eating, and exercise...ebb and flow....all good, no regrets...but ready to work my ass off, literally!
There are a lot of changes in the WW program, new things to learn and fruits are free!!!!! yay....
I will add that this is the highest my weight has been since my weight loss over 20 years ago..I was stunned to see the number, but it was reality! Stay tuned...more to come.

And by the way, I am feeling so much better with the withdrawal from Cymbalta.  it was a bit of a struggle, wasn't expecting that.  But I am sticking with my belief that this is the time for me to try and be free from the drug....and I am so hoping that I will not have to return to them.  I have been feeling lots of emotion in the recent days, in a good way.  The dull, flat feelings are leaving...and real emotion is once again showing in my soul!  It feels right....I feel JOY!

ONE STEP AT A TIME

As some of you may remember in a past entry, I decided to talk to my Dr and ask about getting off of my antidepressant drug, Cymbalta.  I have been take 60 mg for years now, how many he asked, gosh I didn't remember.  Over 3, I try to relate it to hurricane Katrina....my way of telling a time frame... lol.  So it could be close to 5 years.  This has been my 4th drug to take not for depression, but for anxiety.  I have learned many tools to lesson my anxiety and I have grown leaps and bounds.  Will it be enough?  I do not know...but I am trying.
Actually my Dr. was very proactive in my trying this.  It will take 5 weeks to wean myself off the drug.  I am in week 3.  I feel no different right now, and I hope to be able to say that a year from now too.  But as with all of the valuable lessons I have learned, one step at a time....

WEIGHT WATCHERS ONLINE- WEEK 1

Ok, well here it is the end of the dreaded week one. I did well, didn't agonize over food, and didn’t have any horrible guilt feelings or "bad" feelings. I had a bit of a hurdle on Friday, my co-workers birthday and she wanted take out from Chile's. We got appetizers, yikes...but I only ate half. And a small, small piece of cake.
Soooooo, 3 pounds down...

I am happy with the results.  I feel good about myself, and I know this is up to me and only me to do or not do.  Today I choose DO!
Now I only worked out 2 times this week, and that is what I will work on this upcoming week.  More workouts.  I am enjoying my Wii Fit, but need to do it more often.

WEIGHT

My number 1 complaint in my life right now, today...is my weight. This is NOT unknown territory for me you see, I have raged this battle before. Let me quickly catch you up, for those who know me, sorry you have to endure this again. I wasn't a fat kid, but a chubby adolescent. I met my husband very young and we married young. I was raging a battle with food at that time and he was in the Navy. He was gone a lot, I was lonely and I ate. When we got married I was at my heaviest, about 200 pounds. I am 5' 4" tall. I was a big'en. I stayed that way until I was 29 years old. I lived in Ca. and a friend who also was overweight said “let’s go to Weight Watchers”. I knew I was fat, but I went for her. I loved it; she didn't make it...lol. I continued to go until I reached my goal weight of 130 pounds. It took me 9 months.

Fast forward years...always maintained my weight give or take 5- 10 pounds.  (My perfect weight was about 135-140) Then I turned 40, and soon was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Welcome to peri-menopause and anti-depressants… I have steadily, but slowly gained 25-30 pounds. I am not happy; I haven't been...but have done nothing really to lose this weight. I might get 10 pounds off, but before long it creeps back on. I know I must move more and work harder, but I stay on my pity pot and do nothing really!

So today I am doing it, walking the walk and talking the talk...I joined Weight Watchers Online, Sunday evening.  Climbed on my scale, didn't lie and said I weighed 171!!!!  *scream*  But with the help of WW and my blog...I am going to hold myself accountable and do it.  *repeats mantra over and over in her head* If not now, when?  So that is enough for today, and for now.  I thought this would be hard to do, but nope, feels good.  Feels right.... for now anyways...